Max Littman, LCSW
February 5, 2026
Shame or embarrassment can arise inside the IFS community that is often invisible. It shows up when someone cannot go inside, when connecting with parts feels artificial or disembodied, or when access that once felt available now feels cut off. It can also appear after long stretches of meaningful internal work, when moments of insight have accumulated, language has sharpened, and understanding feels sophisticated, yet contact with parts feels distant, strained, or absent.
Because IFS so beautifully identifies inner connection as a healing pathway, the absence of that connection can quietly start to feel like a failure. A sense of having done something wrong, fallen behind, or lost access to something that others seem to retain. A loss or complete absence of a marker upheld in the community that can bring a sense of belonging and connection. The shame here is often unspoken, especially among practitioners or long time students of the model, where fluency can mask struggle and competence can hide disconnection.
I notice this in myself.
I have parts that have become exceptionally adept at understanding the inner world. They know the model well. They track dynamics quickly. They recognize protectors, exiles, polarizations, burdens, and legacy patterns almost reflexively. There is real intelligence and devotion in them. They care deeply about healing. They are enthusiastic about the work.
And they have also, without malice or intent, stepped into impossible roles.
These parts often move toward the inner world on behalf of Self. They initiate contact. They interpret. They translate. They soothe. They organize. They do so quickly and confidently, sometimes before there is space to notice they are hard at work. I even have a tracking part that tracks itself! These parts cannot quite hold themselves back, not because they are reckless, but because they are both eager to get to work (and sometimes play) and afraid of what might happen if they do not.
Their fear is not abstract. It is anchored to what they believe lies beneath.
As these parts have taken on more responsibility, a polarization has intensified. On the other side are parts that deeply fear what sensitivity might be uncovered. In fact, they believe I am overly and exceptionally sensitive. Intuitively, their assessment feels valid. Intensely critical parts scan for weakness or exposure. Cynical parts dismiss the value of turning inward at all. Dissociating and distracting parts move the system away from felt experience with remarkable efficiency. Exasperated parts express frustration about Self-like parts pushing for insight. These parts do not fear the model. They fear the vulnerability that genuine contact might reopen.
When the Self-like parts rush in, these other parts adept at inner work double their efforts.
The result is not neutrality or balance, but rupture. A severing of felt connection that can look like resistance, burnout, or sudden inability to access parts that once felt close. From the outside, and sometimes from the inside, it feels confusing and chaotic. The work has been done. The insights are there. The language is intact. And yet the channel feels blocked.
This is often where shame creeps in.
You should be able to do this by now. Or: you know too much for this to be happening. Or: if you were really Self led, this would not feel so hard. Or: you won’t be accepted by the IFS community because you are not noticing or following your own trailheads.
When this dynamic is met with judgment, especially internal judgment shaped by idealized images of what IFS work should look like or embody, the polarization deepens. When it is met with curiosity, patience, and a willingness to acknowledge that even Self like parts can overfunction, some relief sets in.
Sometimes the most Self led move is not going inside at all, but noticing who is insisting that we do while also respecting those that say no.
Shame loses its grip when this pattern is named as human rather than pathological. A sense of belonging returns.
The capacity to understand the inner world does not guarantee access to it. Sometimes it complicates it. Especially when understanding becomes a substitute for contact rather than a companion to it.
This does not mean the work has failed. It may mean the system is asking for a slower, more relational kind of presence, one that does not assume readiness just because fluency exists.
In those moments, the invitation is not to push harder or retreat entirely, but to stay nearby as much as possible. To allow even the severing of connection to be meaningful information rather than a final verdict.
For feedback and comments, I can be reached at max@maxlittman.com.
I provide consultation and therapy for therapists.
Purchase my new book IFS Therapy for Gay and Queer Men here.
