Max Littman, LCSW

June 30, 2024

In the following article, I focus on attunement as a way of understanding and accessing Self energy. It will address the importance of attunement, how it functions, and how to attune to parts from Self energy. A practical guide for how to attune from Self energy is included.

As with most therapists, in the earlier stages of learning and integrating IFS, I had a manager in charge of the therapy I offered. In other words, I followed the 6Fs and unburdening protocols to a “T.” My therapist manager believed that if these protocols were carried out well enough and with fidelity, healing would occur for my clients, the therapy I provided would be a great success, and I would be a good therapist.

I can’t recall a specific moment where the awareness clicked for me that the genius and heart of IFS laid not in the protocols, but in the focus on facilitating a relationship between parts and an attuned, receptive, supportive, non-agenda driven entity, ideally the client’s Self. I am grateful that this learning occurred.

An Open Invitation

Before beginning this trek together, I invite you to pause and notice what it feels like to you when you feel attuned to, when you’ve felt the loving presence of another person and that they truly get and accept how you are and what you are feeling in that moment. How does your body respond? What thoughts do you have? What emotions arise? How do your parts respond?

Maybe it is hard to connect to a moment like this. If so, that’s ok. Just see if you can stay with whatever is showing up.

Stay with this as long as you need and move on when you feel ready.

What is Attunement

Attunement is the process of being harmoniously responsive and in emotional connection with another. Attunement is a process embedded in the larger process of attachment. Attachment refers to the emotional bond between individuals. Attachment informs the basis of trust and security felt within and between individuals. Attunement strengthens and nurtures attachment.

The Importance of Attunement

Why is attunement important when it comes to facilitating healing relationships with Self and parts?

Attunement is important because, in most cases, the burdens that drive our parts’ proactive and reactive behaviors derive from moments when a vulnerable part was not sufficiently attuned to by a safe other. This lack of attunement results in feelings of shame, powerlessness, and sometimes also terror and loneliness, becoming stuck inside the vulnerable part (e.g. a burden).

Attunement cannot undo what happened in the past, but it can bring parts’ awareness to burdens consisting of shame and powerlessness, the fact these burdens do not originate from or belong to them, and these said burdens can be safely extracted from them.

There is a tendency for IFS therapists and practitioners to prioritize attunement with exiles over protectors in an attempt to relieve the system of burdens. Attunement with protective parts can be just as powerful, can gather important information about what happened to the exile that may not be able to be learned from the exile directly first, and can lay the proper foundation for exiles to feel attuned to.

How Attunement Works

Attunement, in the context of attachment theory, refers to the process through which a caregiver (usually a parent) responds to and connects with a child’s emotional needs. This concept is fundamental in understanding the development of secure attachment. Here’s how attunement works in attachment theory:

Emotional Synchronization

The caregiver is sensitive to the child’s emotional states and cues.
The caregiver responds appropriately and consistently to the child’s needs, creating a sense of safety and trust.

Responsive Interaction

When a child expresses a need or emotion (through crying, facial expressions, body language, etc.), the caregiver notices and interprets these signals accurately.
The caregiver responds in a way that is congruent with the child’s needs, providing comfort, support, or appropriate stimulation.

Building Trust and Security

Through consistent and reliable responses, the child learns that their emotional needs matter and will be met.
This builds a secure attachment, where the child feels safe to explore the world, knowing they have a reliable source of comfort and security.

Impact on Development

Secure attachment formed through attunement positively impacts the child’s emotional regulation, social skills, biological and physiological development, and overall mental wellness.
Children with securely attached relationships tend to develop well-balanced relationships and coping mechanisms later in life.

Examples of attunement:

Infant and parent – A baby starts crying. The parent picks up the baby, checks for possible causes (hunger, discomfort, need for sleep), and soothes the baby accordingly. The baby feels understood and comforted, reinforcing a sense of security.
Toddler and caregiver – A toddler shows excitement about a new toy. The caregiver joins in the excitement, playing along and encouraging exploration. The toddler feels supported and understood.
Between two adults – In a quiet evening at home, Alex notices that Jamie seems stressed and asks if she’s okay. Jamie shares about a tough day at work, and Alex listens attentively, acknowledges Jamie’s feelings, and offers comfort. By empathizing and suggesting a relaxing activity, Alex helps Jamie feel understood and supported, strengthening their emotional connection.
Between two teens – In a high school cafeteria, Jake notices Emily’s anxiety and asks if she wants to talk about it. Emily shares her overwhelming feelings about school, and Jake listens compassionately, acknowledging her struggles. He offers to help her with a big project after school that’s been causing her anxiety, making Emily feel understood and supported, thereby strengthening their friendship.

We as children learn to regulate our emotions by observing and internalizing our caregiver’s responses. Receiving sufficient attunement in childhood contributes to better mental and physical health outcomes throughout our lives, including resilience, self-esteem, relationship skills, and a clear pathway toward a transcendent inner wisdom (e.g. both localized and broader fields of Self energy).

For a greater understanding of the neurobiological underpinnings of this process, I highly recommend The Neurobiology of Attachment-Focused Therapy by Baylin and Hughes.

How to Attune When Practicing IFS

Helping our clients begin to attune to their own parts begins with us attuning to our own parts.

If any of our parts, albeit always well-intentioned, are taking the lead, the attunement that parts need is less likely to occur. We know one of our parts is in the lead if we notice a sense that some outcome needs to happen and there is an attachment to that outcome happening.

That means, if there is an attachment to the outcome of a part feeling attuned to, there is a Self-like part taking the lead. This isn’t a problem, just an impediment toward attunement. When there is an attachment to the target part feeling attuned to, it sends an unintentional negating, and oftentimes shaming, message that it is not acceptable for the part to feel or be exactly how it is.

A recommended step here would be to befriend and attune to that Self-like part. Of note, I do believe that parts have the ability to or can learn how to attune (e.g. parts have their own Self energy). I also believe guides and ancestors know how to attune. I will leave this discussion for another time.

Attuning From Self Energy

Attunement from Self energy involves a lack of attachment to the outcome of each micro-attunement. If something doesn’t land with a part, there is no reaction to it, only the receptivity that something did not land, open acknowledgement of it, an apology as needed, and an attempt at adjustment or repair by trying something different and seeing if it lands better.

Attunement from Self energy is this process repeated over and over again, building upon itself. This process eventually brings parts back to homeostasis, a regulation of the nervous system, and a return of the system to a home base of Self energy (e.g. calm, compassion, creativity, clarity, spaciousness, playfulness, perspective).

If you notice any parts working hard to figure this out as you’re reading this, or parts who are confused and ashamed about that confusion, please note, like most things in IFS, this is simple, but can be very hard to do. I also want these parts to know a practical step by step guide is coming in the next section.

For those of us born into westernized cultures, we were not socialized into this way of being, feeling, or thinking. Our parts are just not used to this. Without going into great detail, I believe that attunement from Self energy is an inner wisdom that is exiled by many aspects of white supremacy culture, especially binary thinking, individualism, and perfectionism.

See how all of this lands for your parts and attend to them as long as is needed.

A Practical Guide for Supporting Clients to Attune From Self Energy

Clients vary in their access to their innate ability to attune from Self energy. We can support them by scaffolding with questions directed toward the target part’s experience, providing psychoeducation, and coaching them along. In my experience, less is more with these interventions when possible.

Here are the basic steps of attunement from Self energy:

Observation – Self closely observes the part’s behavior, expressions, and signals.
Interpretation – Self interprets the signals to understand the part’s emotional state and needs.
Response – Self responds in a timely and appropriate manner, matching or reflecting the intensity and type of the part’s emotions.
Observation of the Part’s Response – Perhaps the most important repeated invitation I make when facilitating a relationship between a client’s Self and a part is to notice how the part is responding to Self. (e.g. “How is the part responding to you?”)
Feedback Loop – The part responds to Self, creating a feedback loop that further refines Self’s understanding and responses. (e.g. repeat the process)

My preference is to scaffold and encourage rather than outright explain to or educate clients on this process. Scaffolding is a method used in educational settings that involves gradually removing support as students learn and grow more competent. When scaffolding, my focus is on helping my clients get into the attunement feedback loop with two basic questions: 1) How is the part responding to you? 2) How are you feeling toward it now? My experience is most clients know how to attune, they just need experiential practice to remember. Clients can also unconsciously pick up on the rhythm or flow of attuning without explanation. Another means of explanation without recruiting thinking parts to work too hard, is if the client has children or pets, inviting them to remember or explore how they attune to their child or pet’s needs.

Worthy of note, this step by step guide of the attunement process is the exact same process that unfolds between a caregiver and a child that leads to secure attachment.

Attuning Tips

I’ve found checking in on the following to be helpful in facilitating attunement between Self and parts:

Distance – What distance is the part from you? Does this distance feel right for now? Does it want you to stay where you are? Come closer? Be further away?
Awareness – Is this part aware of your presence?
Recognition – Does the part recognize you? If not, is it open to an introduction?
Environment – What environment are you and the part in together? How is the lighting? Are you in a specific location? Is the location a real place in your personal history?
Response – How is the part responding to your presence? After the client’s Self responds, invite the client to notice how the part responds to them. Responses can come in many forms including words, bodily sensations, and visual body language.
Needs – What does this part need from you right now? What needs to happen now?
Adjusting – See what would land better for this part right now.
Checking for Self-like parts – Does it feel like you have an attachment to an outcome (e.g. the part to feel reassured or trusting)? Do you feel a need to take away or change any of this part’s feelings, needs, behaviors, or thoughts? Do you feel like you need to reassure or comfort it?
Right sized – Inviting the part to notice that its emotions, how it’s presenting, and what it’s sharing are not too much for the client’s Self to handle can be deeply reparative. Many exiles have internalized the message they are or feel too much for others to handle.
Holding Space – When you sense the client is in attunement with the part, wait, witness patiently, stand at the ready, and allow the process to unfold for itself.

When Misattunement Happens (And It Will Happen)

First, I invite you to notice what internal reactions there were in reading this subsection heading. There may be some reactions to the truth that misattunement and rupture is inevitable. Take all the time you need with this and these parts before proceeding on.

Next, I invite you to notice what happens internally (e.g. what parts arise, what happens in your body) when you do not feel attuned to. Again, take some time being with this and who/what shows up.

Now, I invite you to notice what happens internally when you are the one who has misattuned to others. Be with who and what is there for as long as is needed.

Potential parts that come up in us when we’ve misattuned to others include:

Ashamed and/or guilt ridden exiles
Perfectionistic parts
Inner critics that are guilting and/or shaming exiles or our Self
Figuring it out and problem solving parts (e.g. thinking parts)
Defensive parts
External Critics

Potential parts that arise in those who have not been sufficiently attuned to include:

Exiles that feel unimportant and alone
Angry parts (e.g. external critics)
Resigned parts
Self-blaming parts (e.g. critics)
Pleaser parts

When these parts arise, they are signs that they could use our attunement. They are trailheads to note and eventually follow.

Case Example

The following case example is a composite of clients I’ve worked with. This example involves working with an exile. Please note, prior to working with this exile, attunement was established between me and my client, and then between my client and a protective part before working with the exile. Those attunements laid the foundation for the attunement with the exile.

Caroline, a 42 year old, white, queer, polyamorous, cis female came to see me to address anxiety in her romantic relationships. Over the course of months, we came to know, befriend, and attune to parts in her system that protected a 14-year-old exile that felt bad and unlovable. Once we received permission from those protectors to attend to the 14-year-old, we invited Carline’s protectors to take us to where that exile was located. They took us to the dark room where she was exiled.

I began facilitating attunement by asking Caroline what distance she was from the 14-year-old. “Across the room, maybe 25 feet,” Caroline told me. I asked her if the 14-year-old was aware of her presence. She was vaguely aware of Caroline, but was positioned away from her and, with the room being pitch black, was hard to notice. I invited Caroline to use the light of her Self energy to brighten the room slightly, like one would with a dimmer switch, and to pay attention to the 14-year-old’s response to that. As Caroline brightened the room a bit, she noticed the 14-year-old turn toward her slightly. “I can tell she’s appreciating this,” Caroline says. I then provided a warm and gentle encouragement of “great” that felt in the flow of what was unfolding. I then asked if the 14-year-old recognized Caroline. There was a hint of familiarity, but not full recognition.

I invited Caroline to tune into what the 14-year-old needed then. Caroline intuited she needed a gentle touch. She was suddenly closer physically to the 14-year-old. She reached out and warmly touched the 14-year-old’s shoulder. I asked how the 14-year-old was responding. Caroline said she seemed to be softening and, in a way, melting emotionally.

She shared that some memories were arising of the first time she had a physically arousing experience with another girl. At 14 years old, a female friend was physically though non-sexually intimate with her. At the time, Caroline found herself romantically and sexually interested yet confused and ashamed about it. Furthermore, she had nowhere to safely turn for support as her father had given her the message over the years that she was a bad kid and her mother had abandoned her family when Caroline was two.

Throughout this process, I noticed a part of myself excited by the prospect of and motivated to facilitate the unburdening of this 14-year-old exile. I kept this awareness in mind, appreciated its good intent for me and Caroline, and continued to notice if its energy at any point impeded on the attunement to my client and her attunement to her part. (Please note, it does not always go this smoothly and in cases where my parts take over the process, I acknowledge it to my clients, apologize, and see if anything is needed before we proceed attuning to the target part. This process is especially hard when our parts are activated and when we are in the early stages of learning IFS.)

At a slow moment in the downloading and sharing of the 14-year-old’s memories, I asked Caroline if this was making sense and how she was feeling toward the 14-year-old. “This is making a lot of sense. I feel so sad for her”. I ask her how the 14-year-old is responding to her getting it and feeling sad for her. “She’s collapsed into my arms. I am hugging and holding her”. I gave a soft and encouraging “ya.”

Caroline then shared that she is beginning to hear a crying baby. I paused and let that sit for a moment. Then I asked where she was noticing the crying coming from. “Inside the 14-year-old.” I asked gently, “what needs to happen now?” Caroline responded by saying the 14-year-old was asking her to go to the crying baby. I gave out an encouraging “mmm”.

“I’m with the baby. I’m holding her. Rocking her. Seeing what she needs.” I provided another soft affirmation of “great.” A few minutes pass in silence. Then Caroline shared her experience of her mother leaving when she was two years old and never really having the sense that she was interested in being a mother to her. This attunement to the crying baby and the 14-year-old continued for many sessions, eventually leading to their unburdenings.

Please note, we did not go directly to these exiles each session. There were sessions in between where external life circumstances and protectors needed our attention. But we held the 14-year-old and crying baby in mind and named them in most sessions after we met them for the first time.

Summary

The summarized steps for attunement from Self energy are as follows:

Check for your own parts (e.g. attachment to an outcome). Befriend and attend to as needed.
Check for your clients parts (e.g. how do you feel toward). Befriend and attend to as needed.
Observation of the target part
Interpretation of the target part’s communications and needs
Response to the target part’s communications and needs
Noticing the part’s response to Self
Feedback Loop (repeat the process)
Scaffolding, coaching, psychoeducation, and encouragement as needed (with tips below)

Check on distance and surroundings
Part’s awareness of client’s Self
Part’s recognition of client’s Self
Check in on how the part is responding to Self’s presence
Check in on the part’s needs
Check for Self-like parts in client and in yourself
Invite client to make adjustments based on observed feedback from the part
Invite the part to notice they are “right sized” to Self
Holding space for the client’s Self and the target part

Of note, this article covered systems where insight work was appropriate. There are cases where attunement from Self energy must happen between you and the client’s parts directly (e.g. implicit and explicit direct access). These cases are often due to extreme circumstances in the client’s history where they were not sufficiently attuned to by a caregiver (e.g. emotional neglect) or there were extreme fluctuations between attunement and transgression (e.g. emotional and physical abuse).

Attunement may feel foreign to these systems. It was not modeled well for them, if at all, and thus is not a well practiced muscle or knowledge for them. I recommend consulting the work of Janina Fisher and Colleen West to understand this client population and how to work with them more comprehensively (e.g. IFS and cPTSD).

I’ve found the experience of attunement, both providing it and facilitating it, when it gets rolling, to be infectious, intuitive, easy, and like a flow state. The image has come to me like repetitiously riding a wave into shore. I’ve not surfed before, but I have body surfed. It feels like that to me. It feels calming, freeing, and fun.

Dick Schwartz has said he believes Self energy is a particle and a wave. If this is true, I hope what I’ve shared supports you and your clients to ride the wave.

For feedback and comments, I can be reached at max@maxlittman.com.

I provide private practice mentorship, consultation, and therapist/practitioner part intensives.

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LCSW #87313

Attunement: A Way of Understanding and Accessing Self Energy