Max Littman, LCSW
September 11, 2024
In my experience, the traditional IFS approach alone can sometimes be inadequate for healing in certain clients. These clients often have internal systems with such intense and effective internal protection that accessing insight and Self energy feels nearly impossible. This level of internal protection is always justified by the difficult experiences our clients have had that we may never fully understand on an explicit level. Typically, clients who grew up in environments where their emotions and internal worlds were neglected or negated are those for whom traditional, insight-based IFS methods may fall short.
I and many other experienced IFS practitioners, such as Francois Le Doze, Colleen West, and Stephanie Mitchell, stumbled upon and developed ways to effectively work with these internal systems. I believe that intuition and creativity play a significant role. When I began my IFS journey, I assumed that insight work was immediately accessible to everyone. My parts, especially my Self-like managers, quickly realized that not all systems are primed for that. Fortunately, some clients were patient and forgiving enough to stick with me, allowing me to repair, experiment, attune, and discover what truly worked for their systems.
Here, I share what I discovered through experimentation and borrowing from other practitioners to be effective for these systems: dancing between direct access and insight in the relational field between myself and my clients.
Entering the Dance Floor
Allow me to share with you ways in which you can enter the relational field, make it explicit, and begin to dance with your clients within it.
A powerful approach to begin is asking, “What are you noticing internally in response to what I just said?” This encourages clients to tune into their internal experiences and fosters self-awareness.
Another technique is visualizing a conference table with parts giving feedback. This metaphor helps clients imagine their internal parts having a discussion, making it easier to identify and understand each part’s perspective.
It’s crucial to explore whether any parts are being suppressed or silenced, or if there are concerns or fears about other parts speaking up and sharing their truth. You can ask clients, “Are there any parts being suppressed, silenced, or others that have concerns or fears if other parts got to speak up and share their truth, feedback, or ask for their needs to be met by me?”
Notice if any of your parts have an attachment to or worries about any answer, or even an attachment to your client having any answers at all. These are signs that your parts need something from you before you can begin to be open-hearted and available to your client’s parts. You can buy some time and pause if needed. In such circumstances, I personally find it helpful to name out loud to my client that my parts have come in and I need a moment to attend to them. I take a breath, internally acknowledge whoever has been activated, affirm whatever their response is to my client and their parts, and let them know, usually in a more intuitive and psychic way, that I want to know more but cannot provide that sort of space just yet. Typically, this helps them relax enough so that my heart can be open to receiving any and all responses and feedback from my client’s parts. Of course, following up with your own parts later as needed is vital to this process.
Another question you might ask, “What do you need to hear from me right now?” This question invites clients to identify and express their needs and gives them an opportunity to feel heard and supported. This might be a highly reparative experience if they have not had such experiences in their present or historical relationships.
Share your internal experience by saying, “What I’m noticing internally for myself is….” This models self-awareness, encourages clients to do the same, and gives them a better sense of the relational field by which you are both inhabiting.
If you have parts helping you understand what your client is sharing, you might consider identifying and sharing them openly. You might say, “The parts helping me understand what you are sharing right now with me include….” Again, this can give your client and their parts a better sense of the relational field and whether or not you can be trusted as a dance partner in it.
You can attend to any of your client’s vulnerable parts by saying, “This is not too much for me to hear right now” and “I can handle everything that you are sharing with me.” This helps foster a safe, supportive, and attuned connection. Conveying calmness, spaciousness, openness, and relaxation in your body further reinforces this message. You can ask again what they are noticing internally in response to your reassurance. This can often further solidify the connection and safety.
Case Example
Below is a composite case example demonstrating how this approach can unfold and assist clients in safely engaging with their inner worlds and the parts that need attention.
Alex, a successful academic and researcher, presented with a high level of intellectual sophistication but struggled with chronic anxiety and a sense of disconnection from their emotions. Alex’s intellectualization of their experiences led to difficulty accessing and integrating their emotional parts. They also had a history of self-criticism and perfectionism, which exacerbated their anxiety and sense of inadequacy.
In our sessions over the first 6 months, Alex initially approached therapy with a focus on cognitive strategies to manage their anxiety. They engaged in discussions about their thoughts and rationalizations but avoided exploring emotional experiences. Recognizing the need to connect with Alex’s internal system, I began introducing techniques to facilitate deeper emotional engagement.
In a later session, following an observation I openly made about Alex’s intellectual parts, I asked, “What are you noticing internally in response to what I just said?” Alex initially responded with a logical analysis, but with encouragement, they started to identify physical sensations like tightness in their chest and a sense of heaviness, hinting at underlying emotional experiences.
Later in this session, to help Alex further access their internal system, I suggested, “Imagine a conference table where different parts of you are giving feedback. Who is at this table, and what are they saying?” Alex identified several parts: a highly critical part, a perfectionist part, a vulnerable part, and a detached part that avoided emotional engagement.
I then asked, “Are there any parts being suppressed, silenced, or having concerns about other parts speaking up and sharing their truth?” Alex discovered that the vulnerable part was often suppressed by the critical part and the perfectionist part, which feared that acknowledging vulnerability could undermine their achievements.
During another session, I noticed my own parts becoming activated by Alex’s critical part. I said, “I need a moment to attend to my own parts that have come up. I appreciate your patience.” I took a breath, acknowledged my activated parts, and explained to Alex that I needed to address my own internal responses before continuing. This transparency helped Alex feel more understood and supported.
On occasion, I would ask Alex, “What do you need to hear from me right now?” Alex expressed a need for reassurance that exploring their vulnerability would not diminish their intellectual capabilities or their self-worth. I provided this reassurance, emphasizing that integrating emotional experiences can enhance their overall well-being and effectiveness. I then asked, “What are you noticing internally now in response to me?” Alex stated they noticed a relaxation in their body.
Then, with consent, I shared, “What I’m noticing internally for me is a mix of admiration for your intellectual strengths and a deep concern for the vulnerable parts that seem to be struggling.”
In some moments when I noticed my cognitive parts making sense of Alex’s words, experiences, and presence, I identified, “The parts helping me understand what you are sharing include my connecting the dots part and my helper part.” This demonstrated my engagement and helped Alex feel more supported in exploring their internal experiences.
In more vulnerable moments, I would reassure Alex. On one occasion, they shared with me about a part beneath a few protectors that was deeply hurt by a criticism from a colleague. I commented, “This is not too much for me to hear right now. I can handle everything you are sharing with me.” I conveyed a sense of calmness, openness, and readiness to explore their experiences, which helped Alex to feel safe and delve deeper.
Throughout this process involving over a year of weekly therapy, Alex’s deep-seated perfectionism and fear of inadequacy made it challenging to fully access and embrace their vulnerable parts. They struggled with internal conflicts between their intellectual protectors and their vulnerable parts, leading to resistance and a tendency to revert to intellectualization.
With ongoing use of the techniques presented, Alex began to integrate their emotional experiences with their intellectual understanding. They learned to identify and attend to their critical and perfectionist parts more effectively and developed a greater capacity for self-compassion. This integration led to reduced anxiety and a more balanced sense of self, combining their intellectual strengths with emotional insight and resilience.
Limitations, Risks, and Pitfalls
While the techniques described—such as internal noticing, conference table visualization, addressing suppressed parts, and identifying and attending to both client and therapist parts—can be highly effective, they are not without criticisms and limitations. Understanding these potential shortcomings is crucial for refining their use and ensuring a balanced approach.
- Over-Reliance on Visualization: The conference table visualization and similar metaphors may not resonate with all clients. Highly intellectual or analytical individuals, for instance, might find these techniques too abstract or non-empirical. Such methods can sometimes feel detached from practical or evidence-based approaches that these clients might prefer.
- Potential for Overwhelming Clients: For clients with complex internal systems, especially those dealing with severe trauma or intense emotional conflicts, these techniques might initially overwhelm rather than facilitate healing. The process of identifying and exploring multiple internal parts can be emotionally taxing and may exacerbate feelings of fragmentation or distress if not handled with sufficient support and pacing.
- Assumptions About Parts’ Readiness: Techniques like asking clients to articulate what they are noticing internally or to share their parts’ feedback assume that all parts are ready or willing to engage openly. In reality, some parts may be deeply entrenched in avoidance or denial, making it challenging for clients to access or acknowledge them. This can lead to frustration and stagnation in the therapeutic process.
- Therapist’s Own Parts’ Influence: Addressing the therapist’s own activated parts and sharing this with clients can be beneficial but may also blur the boundaries between therapist and client experiences. There is a risk that focusing too much on the therapist’s internal responses might shift the therapeutic focus away from the client’s needs, potentially leading to a less client-centered approach.
- Risk of Intellectualization: Highly intellectual clients may use these techniques to further intellectualize their experiences, rather than fully engage with their emotions. This can result in a continued emphasis on cognitive processing at the expense of deeper emotional work. It’s important to balance intellectual understanding with genuine emotional exploration and integration.
- Variable Effectiveness: The effectiveness of these techniques can vary significantly among clients. Some may respond well to the introspective and experiential aspects, while others might find them less effective or even counterproductive. Tailoring the approach to each client’s unique needs and preferences is essential but can be challenging to achieve consistently.
- Potential for Misinterpretation: The language and metaphors used in these techniques might be misinterpreted by clients, especially those with diverse cultural or personal contexts. For example, visualizations or abstract concepts might not align with a client’s belief system or cognitive style, potentially limiting their effectiveness.
- We don’t operate with the same level of internal scrutiny in our daily lives, and we can’t expect others to either. This process slows down relationships and magnifies communication and connection. While it may help clients become more aware of their internal and external worlds outside of therapy, it can also create unrealistic expectations for themselves, others, and the world. This discrepancy can lead to frustration and disappointment. Although these issues can be addressed within therapy, it remains a potential pitfall of this relational approach.
Conclusion
In review, the following the questions and statements can be used with clients to dance in the relational field with them when they have internal systems where insight work is not possible or appropriate:
- “What are you noticing internally in response to what I just said?”
- “Are there any parts being suppressed, silenced, or others that have concerns or fears if other parts got to speak up and share their truth, feedback, or ask for their needs to be met by me?”
- “What do you need to hear from me right now?”
- “What I’m noticing internally for myself is….”
- “The parts helping me understand what you are sharing right now with me include….” or “The parts of myself I’m noticing right now include…”
- “This is not too much for me to hear right now” and “I can handle everything that you are sharing with me.”
Of course pace and timing of these questions and statements and noticing if any of your parts have an attachment to how your client responds to them are all important.
In the journey of healing, our aim as facilitators is to attune to each client’s unique parts, honoring their diverse experiences and needs. By cultivating a compassionate and empathetic approach, we can help clients harmonize their inner system, fostering Self-leadership and deeper self-awareness. This integration not only enhances their overall well-being but also empowers them to navigate life’s complexities with greater resilience and authenticity.
For feedback and comments, I can be reached at max@maxlittman.com.
I provide private practice mentorship, consultation, and therapist/practitioner part intensives.
