Max Littman, LCSW

February  6, 2025

In today’s digital era, social media has become a powerful force in shaping cultural norms and expectations, individual identities, and beauty standards. For gay and queer men, Instagram influencers can play a significant role in creating and perpetuating ideals around fitness, travel, partying, romance, trauma sharing, mental health, and body image. Instagram’s most popular gay influencers have hundreds of thousands to millions of followers. As of 2023 an estimated 10-15 million gay and queer men are using Instagram, and the amount of users is only expected to increase. 

As an IFS therapist and a gay man who is both embedded in and influenced by this culture, I recognize that I, too, have parts that use Instagram and follow gay influencers as a form of distraction. Understanding how these influences affect my internal system and the internal systems of my gay and queer male brethren—particularly our exiles, managers, and firefighters—has been incredibly helpful personally and professionally. Most importantly, this awareness can grant all of us access to a greater connection to Self energy, which can reveal, alleviate, and release the often hidden cultural burdens absorbed in this environment. 

The Idealized Lives of Gay Instagram Influencers

Gay and queer Instagram influencers often present an idealized version of life that includes:

  • Fitness Routines: Perfectly sculpted bodies achieved through rigorous exercise, strict diets, inherited exercise and dietary habits from family, and genetics.
  • Travel and Partying: A lifestyle filled with exotic destinations and vibrant nightlife.
  • Romance: Depictions of perfect, conflict free, and infinitely joyful relationships and love stories.
  • Oversharing Trauma: Sharing personal traumas in ways that may feel inauthentic or exploitative and that highlight tragedy and triumph over complexity.
  • Mental Health Advice: Restrictive and often superficial advice about mental health and relationships.
  • Body Image: Emphasis on fit, often shirtless, body types as the standard of attractiveness and worth.
  • Sex: A hypersexualized portrayal of gay life, emphasizing frequent, adventurous sexual encounters and unrealistic standards of desirability, which can lead to anxiety and insecurity about sex and relationships.
  • Materialism: Influencers showcase luxury items and fashion as symbols of success, fostering a belief that self-worth is tied to material possessions. This view can create feelings of inadequacy among followers who cannot afford these items, perpetuating superficial values.
  • Social Status: Emphasis on being part of elite social circles within the gay community, portraying an image of being well-connected and admired, which can create pressure to fit in.
  • Career Success: Highlighting achievements in traditionally high-status or creative professions, setting high standards for career success that may not be attainable for all.
  • Physical Health and Wellness: Promoting specific diets, fitness regimes, and wellness products targeted at the gay community, which can lead to unhealthy body image issues.
  • Philanthropy and Activism: Showcasing involvement in LGBTQ+ causes, sometimes in a way that feels more performative than genuine, adding pressure to be publicly active in these areas.
  • Fashion and Style: Constantly updating followers with the latest gay fashion trends and designer clothes, reinforcing the importance of staying fashionable and trendy.
  • Hobbies and Skills: Displaying a wide range of talents and interests which, include many culturally significant interests valued within the gay community, create pressure to excel in multiple areas of interest.
  • Technology and Gadgets: Promoting the newest tech products and gadgets popular among gay men, which can create a sense of needing or understanding the latest items to be seen as successful and fitting in.
  • Home and Lifestyle: Featuring impeccably decorated homes and sophisticated urban lifestyles that reflect high-status living within the gay community, which can be unattainable or unaffordable for many.
  • Networking and Events: Highlighting attendance at exclusive gay events and parties, contributing to feelings of exclusion for those not in similar social circles.
  • Cultural Capital: Emphasizing knowledge of and participation in gay cultural activities, such as LGBTQ+ art, theater, and nightlife, which can create a sense of elitism and exclusivity.
  • Ageism: Gay Instagram influencer culture often emphasizes aspects of youth and beauty, which can marginalize older gay men. The focus on youthful, fit bodies and agelessness can create feelings of invisibility and inadequacy for those who don’t meet these ideals. This ageism can activate exiled parts carrying shame around aging while managers may push for excessive self-improvement, attempts to look younger, or criticism for showing signs of aging.
  • Hyper-Masculine Ideals: Gay Instagram influencers often promote hyper-masculine images, emphasizing traditional masculine traits such as strength, dominance, and stoicism, creating unrealistic expectations and pressure for followers to conform. This portrayal can lead to emotional suppression, competitive behaviors, aggressive sexuality, and body image issues, perpetuating harmful stereotypes and reinforcing outdated gender norms. Additionally, these representations often lack diversity and intertwine masculinity with material success, contributing to a performative nature of masculinity that skews values towards materialism and social validation.

These cultural touchstones can create an overarching unattainable standard for many gay and queer men, leading to feelings of inadequacy, shame, and self-criticism.

Intersectionality

Intersectionality is essential to understanding the full impact of gay and queer related cultural burdens. Gay Instagram culture and discussions about it often center whiteness, privilege, and able-bodiedness, sidelining the ways intersecting identities shape these dynamics. Race, class, ability, and other aspects of personal identity significantly influence how gay and queer men engage with and are represented in influencer culture.

For example, Black and brown gay men can face unique pressures tied to racialized beauty standards, while those from lower socioeconomic backgrounds may experience the aspirational aspects of influencer content as exclusionary rather than inspiring. Disabled queer men, too, are often erased from these glossy narratives entirely, reinforcing a narrow vision of desirability and worth.

The Impact on Exiles, Managers, and Firefighters

From an IFS perspective, the idealized images and messages propagated by gay Instagram influencers can significantly impact the internal systems of gay and queer men.

  • Exiles: The constant exposure to idealized gay and queer male lives can exacerbate feelings of inadequacy and shame in exiles, leading to deeper wounds and increased efforts to hide our vulnerable parts.
  • Managers: Gay influencer culture may inform managers to adopt perfectionistic tendencies, encouraging gay and queer men to strive for the same unattainable standards seen online. This can manifest in obsessive fitness routines, relentless self-criticism, the suppression of authentic self-expression, and unsatisfying, superficial relationships and friendships.
  • Firefighters: When managers fail to keep gay and queer men’s exiles’ pain at bay, firefighters step in with strategies to numb or distract from the distress. Gay influencer culture might prompt firefighters to engage in behaviors such as excessive partying, extreme substance use, risky sex or sexual patterns that perpetuate feelings of emptiness or loneliness, or escapist travel. To be clear, many of these behaviors and actions from our parts are not inherently problematic or bad. They can be carried out in ways that are in balance and in harmony with a gay or queer man’s internal system. When our firefighters are burdened and reacting to the burdens of our exiles, their actions can be desperate, survivalist, automatic, and perceived last ditch attempts to cope with the overwhelming feelings of not measuring up to the cultural ideal.

Mental Health Symptoms and Their Connections to Parts

The pervasive influence of gay Instagram influencers can give rise to various mental health symptoms, which are outward expressions of the feelings of and dynamics between exiles, managers, and firefighters.

  • Depression: Constant comparison to the idealized lives of influencers can leave gay and queer men feeling hopeless and inadequate, triggering depressive psychological and physiological symptoms such as lethargy, weight gain or loss, low motivation, and suicidal ideation. Exiles may carry deep-seated sadness and worthlessness (e.g. burdens), which are exacerbated by the perceived gap between their reality and the influencer ideal. Firefighters may use various depressive symptoms to mask, numb, distract from, or relieve an exile’s feelings of inadequacy. These exiles in gay and queer men can be carrying personal, legacy, and cultural burdens.
  • Anxiety: The pressure to maintain a perfect image and the fear of judgment can lead to heightened anxiety. Managers may work overtime to control every aspect of a gay or queer man’s life to avoid any perceived flaws, resulting in chronic stress, muscle tension, restlessness, and anxious moods.
  • Low Self-Esteem: The emphasis on physical appearance and lifestyle can erode self-esteem, particularly if a gay or queer man feels he does not measure up. Exiles burdened with feelings of inadequacy can fuel a negative self-image, while managers may criticize us relentlessly to try and motivate change.
  • Body Dysmorphia: The idealization of fit, muscular bodies can lead to body dysmorphia, where gay men become obsessively concerned with perceived flaws in their appearance. This often stems from exiles’ deep-seated shame and is enforced by managers striving for physical perfection.
  • Addiction and Compulsive Behaviors: Firefighters may turn to substances, compulsive partying, or other risky behaviors to numb the pain and anxiety caused by the unrealistic standards. This can lead to addiction and other harmful behaviors as a way to escape emotional distress.
  • Social Isolation: The belief that one must present a perfect image in order to belong can prevent authentic connections, leading to dissatisfying and superficial social relationships, loneliness, and social isolation. Exiles may feel unworthy of genuine relationships, managers might isolate to avoid vulnerability.
  • Imposter Syndrome: The dissonance between one’s true self and the idealized image they feel pressured to project can lead to Imposter Syndrome whereby individuals feel like frauds despite their achievements. This belief system is often a protective strategy by managers to prevent an exposure of perceived flaws.

The Role of Algorithms in Amplifying Unrealistic Standards for Gay and Queer Men

The algorithms that are used to program and curate social media platforms like Instagram play a critical role in intensifying the pressures faced by gay and queer men and the cultural burdens we can accrue. These algorithms are designed to maximize engagement by continuously suggesting content that aligns with a user’s interests and past behavior. While this can help users discover content they enjoy, it can also create a feedback loop that reinforces unrealistic and limiting standards for gay and queer male identity.

The Feedback Loop of Filtered Content

As users engage with posts from gay influencers, especially those who promote idealized images of fitness, travel, romance, and other aspects of gay identity, algorithms take note. The more a person interacts with such content—by liking, commenting, sharing, subscribing to, or even just spending time viewing these posts—the more similar content is recommended. This pattern leads to a continuous stream of idealized and often unattainable representations of gay and queer lives.

For example, if a user consistently engages with fitness-focused gay influencers who present perfect bodies and luxurious lifestyles, the algorithm will prioritize showing them more of the same content. Over time, an echo chamber may be created where only a narrow and homogeneous vision of gay and queer identity is consumed. The result is a distorted perception of what it means to be a “real” gay or queer man—one that is rooted in physical, masculine-based perfection, constant social activity, and a lifestyle that may be far removed from the user’s own lived experience, attainability, or authentic, innate tendencies.

Activating Exiles and Reinforcing Managers’ Roles

The relentless stream of similar, algorithm curated content can deepen the emotional wounds carried by exiles. These parts, often associated with feelings of shame, inadequacy, or not measuring up, are triggered by the constant comparison to the idealized images presented on social media. Our exiles may begin to internalize the idea that their own lives are not enough—that their bodies, relationships, and experiences fall short of the standard set by gay influencers. This highlighting of personal deficits can lead to increased feelings of loneliness and isolation, further intensifying the emotional pain that our exiles carry.

Simultaneously, the constant reinforcement of these ideals can further entrench managers in their roles. In review, managers are the parts of the system that work to protect exiles by attempting to control external and internal circumstances. In this context, our managers may push us as gay and queer men to engage in behaviors that align with the influencer culture—such as excessive dieting, working out, or seeking validation through social media. These parts may relentlessly push for physical perfection or material success, believing that these external markers will shield us from rejection or shame. However, these efforts often come at the expense of authenticity, self-compassion, and our exiles’ emotional well-being, leaving our internal systems feeling exhausted, disconnected, and never fully satisfied.

Firefighters and Escapism: The Algorithm’s Role in Avoiding Vulnerability

As the pressure of conforming to these unrealistic standards mounts, firefighters may step in to offer relief. Algorithms can exacerbate this dynamic by promoting content that glorifies escapism—such as excessive partying, substance use, or sexual behavior. For individuals struggling with feelings of inadequacy or emotional overwhelm, these influencers may model a form of “numbing” or distraction, encouraging risky behaviors as a way to cope with the internal turmoil stirred up by comparison and self-criticism.

The algorithm’s suggestions may lead the individual down a path of greater disconnection from their authentic self, encouraging more superficial engagement with the content and people around them. Firefighters might act out behaviors that numb the discomfort of not meeting the influencer ideal—drinking to forget, scrolling endlessly to escape, or engaging in short-term, surface-level relationships that fail to fulfill deeper emotional needs.

How Self Energy Can Break the Cycle

Accessing Self energy offers a pathway to disrupt this cycle of reinforcement by creating space for gay and queer men to reconnect with our true values, desires, and needs, independent of algorithmic suggestions. Self energy—characterized by compassion, curiosity, and clarity—can help us as gay and queer men to examine our relationships with social media and the messages our parts are consuming and internalizing. Through Self leadership, we can begin to recognize the feedback loop that algorithms and gay Instagram culture create and choose to break free from them. We can embrace positive changes for ourselves and our clients by focusing on the following:

  • Developing Awareness and Choice: With Self energy, we can begin to observe the way algorithms affect our emotional states, mental health, and our parts. By acknowledging the role of algorithms in perpetuating unrealistic standards, we can take more conscious control over our social media use and negotiate with our parts about it. This might involve unfollowing accounts that trigger negative comparisons and intentionally seeking out more diverse, authentic, and uplifting content.
  • Reconnecting with Authenticity: Clients can also use Self energy to reconnect with their authentic selves and redefine what it means to be “enough” within their own experience and innate, non-burdened tendencies. Instead of striving to fit into the narrow mold promoted by Instagram influencers and algorithms, individuals can embrace their unique qualities and identities and focus on personal growth and self-acceptance. This shift toward authenticity reduces the power of external validation and empowers individuals to cultivate a sense of worth that is not dependent on the images presented on their feeds. This can be a part of the unburdening process for exiles.
  • Setting Boundaries: Self energy can help us set healthy boundaries with technology. This could include limiting the time spent on social media, curating content to align with personal values, and allowing space for more meaningful and fulfilling offline experiences. Again, we can partner with our parts in setting and maintaining these boundaries. As we help our parts, especially our exiles, to unload their burdens, unburdened protective parts will often make healthier social media choices that promote self acceptance, self appreciation, and self nurturing.
  • Loving Up on Our Instagram Using Firefighters: Our firefighters involved in addictive behaviors are frequently shamed by societal messaging and internal messaging from our own parts, especially inner critics and restrictive managers. These firefighters usually need to feel genuinely understood, accepted, and loved rather than judged in order to be open to any sort of change in their behaviors and to trust that Self energy can heal exiles holding personal and cultural burdens of not measuring up.

Case Example

Client Background: James, a 28-year-old gay man, sought therapy due to feelings of depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem. He described spending hours each day on Instagram, following gay influencers who showcased seemingly perfect lives.

Exiles: James’ exiles carried deep-seated shame and inadequacy stemming from early experiences of bullying and rejection for not fitting the stereotypical “masculine” mold. The constant comparison to gay influencers exacerbated these feelings, reinforcing his belief that he was not good enough.

Managers: James’ managers worked tirelessly to present an image of perfection. He followed strict fitness routines and diet plans, striving to attain the physiques he saw online. He also curated his social media presence to appear as if he led an equally glamorous and exciting life that fit the mold of the gay influencers he followed. His managers criticized him harshly whenever he fell short of these ideals, leading to increased anxiety and self-criticism.

Firefighters: When the pressure became too much, James’ firefighters would prompt him to engage in binge drinking and casual sex as a way to escape his overwhelming feelings of inadequacy. His firefighters would also direct him to scroll endlessly through gay instagram influencer profiles. These behaviors provided temporary relief but ultimately left him feeling more empty and ashamed.

Therapeutic Process: Through IFS therapy, James began to access his Self energy and approach his parts with compassion and curiosity. He learned to recognize the unrealistic standards set by influencers and started to differentiate his true self from the idealized images he consumed online.

Self Leadership: James shifted to living from his authentic Self, which allowed him to comfort and heal his exiles, helping them to trust that they were worthy and lovable just as they were. His managers began to relax their extreme efforts, recognizing that striving for an unattainable ideal was harming more than helping. James also learned healthier ways to cope with his more difficult emotions and to attune to his parts that were feeling them, reducing the need for his firefighters to engage in self-destructive behaviors.

Setting Boundaries: With guidance, James set boundaries around his social media use, unfollowing accounts that triggered feelings of inadequacy and following those that promoted authenticity, diversity, and genuine self acceptance. He also engaged in activities that genuinely nourished his soul, such as volunteering and spending time with supportive friends.

Recognizing the Potential of Social Media and Gay Influencers in Cultural Unburdening

While gay social media and influencer culture can perpetuate unattainable standards and burdens, they also can also play a significant role in fostering visibility, representation, and community for gay and queer men. This process parallels the unloading of personal burdens in IFS therapy, where witnessing plays a central role. By observing and internalizing aspects of someone on Instagram with a shared gay identity—such as their qualities, interests, expression, and sexuality—gay and queer men can engage in a witnessing and integration process. This process allows them to release burdens, embrace more of their chosen and innate qualities, and continue nurturing these traits, ultimately moving closer to their authentic selves. These platforms may also have helped shield younger generations from internalizing sexuality-related cultural burdens, such as gay shame. They have been instrumental in:

  1. Increasing Representation in Media: Social media has provided a space for gay and queer men to tell their own stories, showcase their identities, and challenge mainstream narratives. Influencers often highlight diverse experiences and perspectives, breaking down stereotypes and offering visibility for marginalized subgroups within the LGBTQ+ community.
  2. Alleviating Shame and Promoting Pride: By sharing their authentic journeys, many influencers inspire pride in queer identities. They create spaces where followers can see reflections of themselves, helping to counteract the shame and isolation that legacy burdens have imposed on queer individuals.
  3. Building Virtual Communities: Platforms like Instagram and YouTube connect queer people globally, fostering a sense of belonging and support. These virtual communities can be especially impactful for those in areas where LGBTQ+ resources or acceptance are limited.
  4. Promoting Activism and Awareness: Many influencers use their platforms to spotlight important issues, advocate for LGBTQ+ rights, and raise awareness about mental health, HIV/AIDS, addiction, and other challenges facing the community. This activism helps to combat stigma and build solidarity.
  5. Providing Role Models: Influencers serve as role models for younger queer generations, showing them that success, love, and happiness are possible while living authentically. This visibility can empower followers to embrace their true selves.

By balancing an awareness of the potential burdens with recognition of these positive contributions, we can engage with social media in ways that foster both personal and collective healing.

Addressing My Perspective’s Limitations

It’s easy to scroll past an influencer’s glossy grid and feel that familiar pang of inadequacy, but not everyone experiences these curated lifestyles in the same way. Similarly, some might challenge the framing of gay Instagram influencers as not being problematic at all. Let’s explore a few potential criticisms of the perspective I’ve shared across this article and see how we can hold nuance while still addressing the broader cultural impact.

  1. Isn’t it just aspirational?
    Some see these accounts as harmless, offering a bit of escapism or motivation for personal growth. And there’s truth in that—seeing someone live their best life can inspire. But there’s also a fine line between aspirational and unrealistic standards. When these portrayals become a script for what gay success should look like, they can unintentionally exclude or burden those who don’t or can’t align with that image. Aspirational content is valuable, but it’s worth asking: Who gets left out of the narrative?
  2. Isn’t it personal choice, not cultural pressure?
    While individuals do choose to engage with content, those choices don’t happen in isolation. Influencers help shape cultural norms that seep into our collective understanding of value and worth. When someone compares their relationship, body, or achievements to what they see online, it’s not about weakness—it’s a reaction to carefully curated narratives designed to sell ideas, products, or a particular version of success.
  3. Isn’t this about capitalism, not influencers?
    That’s absolutely part of it. Influencers both reflect and drive capitalist systems, and their impact can’t be separated from that context. But the ideals they perpetuate—around bodies, consumption, and desirability—can land especially heavily within marginalized communities. For gay and queer men, who often carry histories of exclusion and shame, these dynamics can amplify existing challenges rather than alleviating them.
  4. What about personal responsibility?
    Setting boundaries with media is definitely important, and choosing to unfollow is one way to navigate this. But it’s also important to recognize the deeper cultural forces at play. Simply unfollowing doesn’t erase the messages shaping how we see ourselves and others. Building awareness of these dynamics is an important step toward reclaiming agency, but broader change also requires collective effort.
  5. Aren’t influencers queer visibility?
    Visibility is crucial, and influencers have played an important role in increasing it. However, representation without depth can sometimes fall short. When visibility centers primarily on a narrow version of queerness—white, cis, conventionally attractive, and wealthy—it risks reinforcing existing hierarchies rather than challenging them. True representation should widen the lens and reflect the full diversity of queer experiences.
  6. Isn’t this just jealousy or bitterness?
    It’s easy to frame these critiques as envy, but that oversimplifies a much more complex issue. Idealization can have real mental health impacts, especially in marginalized communities. Raising awareness about these dynamics isn’t about tearing anyone down—it’s about understanding how systemic issues can shape even spaces that should feel affirming.
  7. Isn’t critique just more negativity?
    There’s a meaningful difference between critique and condemnation. The intention here isn’t to villainize influencers, but to spark a broader conversation. Gay Instagram culture doesn’t exist in a vacuum—it mirrors and amplifies societal dynamics that are worth exploring with curiosity and care.
  8. What about influencers who are diverse or self-aware?
    There are definitely creators who push back against harmful norms, offering content that’s inclusive and authentic. Highlighting these voices is essential—they remind us that visibility can be used to strengthen the community by offering more varied, affirming narratives.
  9. Isn’t this a generational divide?
    While older gay men might feel younger generations focus too much on aesthetics, framing this as a generational divide can dismiss valid critiques. The pressures may look different across generations, but the underlying themes—seeking belonging, navigating shame, and striving for visibility—are universal.
  10. Isn’t the real issue internalized homophobia?
    Internalized homophobia does play a role, but it’s only part of the picture. Gay influencer culture doesn’t create shame from nothing, but it can magnify or exploit existing insecurities, often for profit. Addressing both internal and external pressures is key to fostering healing and resilience.

By holding space for these potential critiques, a more nuanced understanding of influencer culture’s impact can be welcomed. The goal isn’t to condemn or cancel—it’s to illuminate how these dynamics shape the lives of gay and queer men, often in ways we don’t realize until we step back and take a look at the larger picture.

Conclusion

As IFS therapists, understanding the impact of gay Instagram influencers on our gay and queer male clients’ internal systems can be very helpful. In recognizing how these cultural norms, assisted by social media algorithms, can create burdens for exiles, managers, and firefighters, we can better support our gay and queer male clients in accessing and connecting with their own and a larger field of Self energy. 

Accessing Self energy can help gay and queer men disrupt this cycle, reconnect with their authentic selves, and reclaim their sense of worth independent of the invisible algorithmic influences that shape their online experiences.

Through helping our gay and queer male clients shift to living from and seeing through the eyes of their Self, they can begin to heal from the hidden burdening effects of gay influencer culture, embrace their authentic selves, and lead lives grounded in compassion, authenticity, and more satisfying connection.

For feedback and comments, I can be reached at max@maxlittman.com.

I provide private practice mentorship, consultation, and therapist/practitioner part intensives.

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References

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