Max Littman, LCSW
January 30, 2025
Internal Family Systems (IFS) trainings can be transformative experiences, offering rich opportunities for personal and professional growth. However, like any immersive learning environment, they also come with challenges. Often, participants find their internal systems fully activated which can include parts carrying perfectionism, self-doubt, unresolved wounds, or burdens of inadequacy. These parts may be stirred not only by the training material but also by interactions with trainers, assistant trainers, practice assistants, and peers. This has been true in my own experiences as both a trainee and a practice assistant.
This article explores how idealizing Self and the complexities of differing internal systems can create ruptures in trainings. It also offers guidance for navigating these experiences with compassion for yourself, fellow students, and those leading the training.
The Reality of Imperfect Systems in Training
IFS training spaces bring together people with vastly different internal systems, lived experiences, and expectations. Trainers, assistant trainers, practice assistants, and students each carry their unique constellation of protectors, exiles, and burdens. Add to this the finite time available and the multifaceted needs of the training, involving balancing content delivery with relational dynamics, and it’s no surprise that misunderstandings, misattunements, and ruptures occur.
When these challenges arise, it’s natural for students to feel unseen, misunderstood, or judged by trainers or peers. Trainers and assistants, despite their experience, are not immune to their own parts and can unintentionally contribute to these dynamics.
Rather than viewing ruptures as failures, we can understand them as natural and inevitable aspects of learning and growth. They are not signs of inadequacy in the training, trainers, or students but reflections of the complexity of human systems engaging with one another. By meeting these moments with awareness and compassion, we can use them as opportunities for healing and deeper understanding of our internal systems.
The Role of Perfectionism and Difficult Emotions
Many trainees enter IFS trainings with parts holding high expectations for themselves or the process. Perfectionistic parts may demand flawless integration of the material or constant alignment with Self-energy. Inner critics might amplify self-doubt, asking, “Am I getting this right?” or “Am I doing enough?” These protective parts, often driven by fear or shame, can disconnect us from Self-energy as they strive to control the learning experience.
When misunderstandings occur, or when trainees feel unseen or unsupported, difficult emotions like frustration, shame, or inadequacy may surface. These emotions often stem from exiles carrying burdens of unworthiness or past relational wounds. While IFS trainings are designed to foster growth, they cannot fully address every participant’s emotional needs. Unresolved issues may activate parts further, leading to cycles of self-judgment or frustration with trainers, assistants, peers, or the structure of the training.
Approaching these emotions with curiosity and compassion can create space for positive, corrective, connecting, and constructive experiences. It’s important to acknowledge that addressing complex parts in real time during training may not always be possible. Seeking support outside the training can provide a valuable supplement to this process.
Approaching Trainings with Compassion and Awareness
To navigate the inevitable complexities and challenges of IFS trainings with resilience, I invite you to consider these strategies:
1. Acknowledge the Complexity of Internal Systems
Recognize that everyone in the training—trainers, assistants, and fellow students—is navigating their own internal systems. Each person’s parts bring unique needs, burdens, and reactions to the space. Understanding this complexity helps reduce the tendency to oversimplify or assign blame when ruptures occur.
2. Recognize the Naturalness of Ruptures
Misattunements and unresolved moments are not failures but natural outcomes of human interaction. When these moments arise, you can approach them with curiosity. Ask yourself: What parts of me were activated? What needs might have been unmet? By embracing these moments as opportunities for learning, you can stay open to the messiness of the process.
3. Cultivate Self-Compassion
When perfectionistic or critical parts show up, you can remind them that learning is inherently messy. Acknowledge their efforts to protect you and guide them toward understanding that growth often happens in the space between effort and imperfection. Self-compassion allows for a more grounded and open learning experience.
4. Balance Accountability with Understanding
If a trainer’s or assistant’s actions feel misattuned or hurtful, it’s valid to feel disappointed or frustrated. At the same time, it’s important to recognize their human limitations and the constraints of the training structure. Holding both accountability and compassion creates space for constructive dialogue and potential relational repair.
5. Engage in Repair When Possible
If a rupture occurs with a trainer, assistant, or peer, consider initiating a repair process. Share your experience with curiosity and openness rather than blame. By being aware of your own parts in the rupture, you can engage in more constructive, connecting, corrective, and meaningful exchanges.
6. Seek Support Outside the Training
IFS trainings are not designed to resolve all personal issues or provide extensive therapeutic support. If deeper emotional wounds are activated, consider seeking help from a therapist or supervisor to process these experiences in a dedicated space. This external support can provide the focused care needed to address parts that may have been triggered during training.
Addressing White Supremacy Culture and Microaggressions in Trainings
In some instances, ruptures in IFS trainings may stem from the presence of white supremacy culture or microaggressions that go unnamed. These dynamics, whether overt or subtle, can create an environment where participants, particularly those from marginalized identities, feel invalidated, unseen, or harmed. When these issues are not acknowledged or addressed, they exacerbate existing power imbalances and can lead to significant distress within the group.
The Impact of Unnamed Dynamics
When white supremacy culture or microaggressions go unaddressed, they:
- Reinforce systemic inequities, making marginalized participants feel excluded or unsafe.
- Elicit feelings of anger, hurt, or confusion in those directly impacted, as well as in witnesses.
- Activate parts carrying burdens of cultural trauma (e.g. oppression based on race, gender, sexual orientation, etc.), inadequacy, or shame, further complicating the learning experience.
- Disrupt trust within the group, as participants may feel unsupported and unseen by trainers or peers.
Challenges These Dynamics Bring Up
Participants may struggle with:
- Naming the issue out of fear of being dismissed, invalidated, or seen as “disruptive.”
- Managing activated parts, such as protectors that want to avoid conflict or exiles carrying deep emotional pain.
- Addressing the issue in a way that balances accountability with compassion.
Steps to Address These Dynamics
- Self-Reflection: Begin by checking in with your internal system. Notice which parts are activated and offer them curiosity and compassion. For example, a part of you may feel outraged, another part may feel silenced, and another may fear repercussions for speaking up.
- Naming the Issue: If you feel safe doing so, name the dynamic in the group. Speak for your parts with clarity and specificity. For instance, you might say:
- “A part of me felt deeply hurt when a comment was made that seemed dismissive of the experiences of people of color.”
- “I noticed a part of me feeling uncomfortable when a moment of bias went unacknowledged. Can we explore this together?”
- Engaging Trainers and Peers: Approach trainers or group members with curiosity and a willingness to engage in dialogue. Balance advocacy for your needs with compassion for their perspectives. For example:
- “I’d like to share something I noticed. A part of me feels it’s important to address the impact of what was said earlier, as it seemed to reinforce an inequitable dynamic.”
- Seeking Repair and Accountability: Advocate for specific actions, such as revisiting group agreements, holding space for processing, or providing resources for anti-oppression work. Frame these requests as opportunities for growth and repair within the group.
- Processing the Experience: After addressing the issue, take time to process any lingering emotions with your internal system. Offer reassurance to parts that feel vulnerable, angry, or disappointed. Seeking external support, such as consultation, therapy, or connecting with a peer, assistant, or trainer that you trust, can also provide valuable space to unpack these experiences.
By naming and addressing white supremacy culture and microaggressions in a Self-led way, you can contribute to creating a training environment that fosters inclusion, equity, and mutual respect. This work, while challenging and oftentimes highly activating, is essential for ensuring that IFS trainings embody the principles of healing and harmony they seek to promote. And for my white peers, especially those who are cis-gender and fit into other categories of privilege, I encourage you to notice and befriend the parts of you that get activated when white supremacy rears itself and then protect through distancing you from the subject and those impacted. People with marginalized identities are often expected to do the work of naming and educating when they already are carrying enormous burdens of oppression.
Holding IFS Trainers, Leaders, and Organizations Accountable in a Self-Led Way
Accountability is an important aspect of any learning environment, including IFS trainings. While it’s helpful to approach trainers, leaders, and organizations with compassion, there may be times when holding them accountable is necessary for your growth, the growth of the community, or the integrity of the training. Doing so in a Self-led way can allow for dialogue, holding space for all parts and perspectives involved, and potential repair.
When Accountability Might Be Called For
Accountability is appropriate when:
- Harm Has Occurred: A trainer, assistant, or organizational decision has caused emotional harm or triggered parts in a way that feels dismissive, neglectful, or invalidating.
- Misattunement is Persistent: Patterns of misattunement or disregard for individual or group needs emerge.
- Structural or Ethical Concerns Arise: Issues such as inequitable practices, lack of inclusion, or neglect of participant well-being come to light.
In these instances, addressing the situation can promote a healthier training environment and model the courage and vulnerability needed for relational repair.
Speaking for Your Parts When Addressing Concerns
When preparing to hold someone accountable, it’s helpful to approach the situation from a place of curiosity, calmness, and compassion. Here’s how you can do that:
- Pause and Self-Reflect: Before addressing the concern, take time to check in with your internal system. Notice which parts are activated and whether they’re angry, hurt, disappointed, or protective. Give them space to share their feelings with you. Let them know you’re listening and will advocate for them appropriately.
- Speak for Your Parts, Not From Them: Instead of letting activated parts take over, you can express their needs and concerns in a way that others can hear. For example:
- From Anger: “You always dismiss my questions, and it’s unfair!”
- For Anger: “There’s a part of me that feels dismissed when my questions aren’t addressed, and it’s really important for me to feel heard in this process.”
- Be Clear and Specific: When holding trainers or organizations accountable, focus on the specific action or dynamic that impacted you. Avoid generalizations like “You never…” or “This training always…” Instead, describe the behavior or moment that felt misaligned, and how it impacted you or your parts.
- Own Your Experience: Use “I” statements to center your experience rather than making accusations. For example: “I noticed a part of me felt hurt when feedback wasn’t acknowledged during the practice session. It left me feeling disconnected.”
- Balance Accountability with Curiosity: Allow space for the other person to share their perspective. This opens the door for dialogue and repair rather than defensiveness or division.
- Advocate for Needs Compassionately: If parts of you need something specific from the trainers or organization, express this clearly and kindly. For example: “A part of me feels it would help to revisit some group agreements around feedback. Would it be possible to address this in the next session?”
Examples of Self-Led Accountability
- In the Moment: If a trainer’s response feels dismissive, you might say: “I’d like to share something that came up for me in the moment. When my question was met with a quick response, a part of me felt dismissed and unsure if my contribution was valued.”
- Post-Training Feedback: After the training, you can offer thoughtful feedback: “I deeply appreciated many aspects of the training, but I also noticed moments where I felt a part of me wasn’t fully seen or understood. It might help future participants if there was more time for group processing.”
- Structural Concerns: If an organizational policy feels inequitable, you might write: “I’m reaching out on behalf of a part of me that noticed a concern. The pricing structure for the training seems inaccessible to many potential participants, which feels at odds with the inclusivity IFS promotes. Could we discuss ways to address this?”
Creating Space for Your Parts After Accountability
Even after a Self-led conversation, parts of you may still hold lingering emotions. Take time to check in with them and offer reassurance or whatever else they may need. Remind them of your commitment to their needs, whether or not the outcome of the conversation aligns with their hopes.
Fostering Accountability as a Collective Norm
When accountability is approached from Self-leadership, it becomes a force for growth rather than division. By modeling this practice, trainees can help co-create a culture within IFS trainings that values dialogue, repair, and mutual respect. This approach ultimately strengthens the integrity of the community, making it a safer and more enriching space for all participants.
Embracing the Messiness of Growth
IFS trainings are not about achieving perfection but about learning to embrace the messiness of growth. By bringing awareness to your parts and cultivating compassion for yourself, your trainers, and your peers, you can create a more enriching and rewarding experience. Ruptures and unresolved moments are not barriers to growth but opportunities to deepen your understanding of IFS and your own internal system.
By navigating these challenges with curiosity and compassion, you model the principles of Self-leadership that IFS seeks to cultivate.
Conclusion
IFS trainings are unique opportunities for learning, growth, and transformation. They are also inherently human experiences, filled with complexity, imperfection, and opportunities for repair. By approaching these trainings with compassion for yourself, your parts, and the trainers and organizations leading them, you can create a more grounded and meaningful experience. Remember: unresolved moments and difficult emotions are not signs of failure. Practicing Self-led accountability and speaking for your parts with curiosity and courage can foster understanding and deepen connections. Ultimately, embracing the messy, imperfect nature of the journey honors the essence of IFS: the integration and harmony of all parts, guided by the compassionate energy of Self.
For feedback and comments, I can be reached at max@maxlittman.com.
I provide private practice mentorship, consultation, and therapist/practitioner part intensives.
