Max Littman, LCSW

December 29, 2024

It is my belief that most of the mental health symptoms that cause people to seek me out for therapy are caused by the emotions of shame and powerlessness. Mental health symptoms, in my view, are the consequences of the body’s and mind’s attempts to return home to safety, joy, and connection. For these reasons, understanding shame, joy, and connection are very important to my work as a therapist and in general as a human being.

In our daily lives, feelings like shame, joy, and connection deeply influence how we see ourselves and interact with the world. Understanding the brain science behind these emotions can help us make sense of our behaviors and other mental health symptoms, improve our relationships, and increase our confidence and self compassion. Additionally, by exploring these concepts through the lens of Internal Family Systems (IFS), we can gain insights into our internal world and how it shapes our outward personality. Let’s delve into all of this deeper together.

Definitions of Shame, Joy, and Connection

  • Shame: Shame is a deep feeling of being flawed or unworthy. It makes us feel like we need to hide because we’re afraid others will judge us. It drives us to loneliness and disconnection.
  • Joy: Joy is a strong feeling of happiness and contentment. It happens when good things happen to us, and our brain releases chemicals that make us feel great. It motivates us to keep doing what makes us feel good.
  • Connection: Connection is the feeling of being close to and understood by others. It involves trust and empathy, making us feel valued and supported. 

The Brain and Our Emotions

Our emotions are driven by complex interactions within our brain. They can be activated by external and internal world events (e.g. in our external environments or in our bodies and minds). Key players in this process include chemicals like neurotransmitters and hormones, along with specific brain areas such as the amygdala (which processes fear), the prefrontal cortex (involved in decision-making), and the hippocampus (important for memory).

  • Shame: When we feel shame, our amygdala, which is the brain’s alarm system, goes into overdrive. This triggers the release of stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline, making us feel anxious and defensive. Our prefrontal cortex, which helps us think clearly, becomes less effective, which can often lead to intense self-criticism and feelings of worthlessness.
  • Joy: Joy activates the brain’s reward system, releasing chemicals like dopamine and serotonin. These chemicals make us feel happy and content. Brain areas like the nucleus accumbens and the prefrontal cortex light up, encouraging us to seek out and repeat joyful experiences.
  • Connection: Feeling connected with others involves the release of oxytocin, often called the “love hormone.” This chemical helps build trust and empathy. The brain’s social bonding areas, like the ventromedial prefrontal cortex, help us understand and respond to other people’s emotions, while the anterior cingulate cortex processes social pain and reward.

IFS and Our Emotional Lives

IFS is a way to understand how different parts of us drive our emotions and behaviors. Each part holds specific feelings, beliefs, and memories that influence how we react to situations.

  • Shame in IFS: Shame is often carried by parts of us that hold painful memories and emotions, which IFS calls “exiles.” These parts carry negative beliefs about ourselves, often from early experiences of rejection or criticism. Other parts, known as protectors, work hard to keep these exiles hidden to avoid the pain of shame. Understanding the brain science of shame helps us see why these protector parts are so vigilant and to appreciate them for the hard work they are putting to protect us.
  • Joy in IFS: Joyful experiences are linked to parts of us that feel free and unburdened. These parts come out when we feel safe and connected to our authentic self, or “Self energy” in IFS terms. The release of dopamine and serotonin during joyful moments reinforces the importance of nurturing these unburdened parts, allowing them to move towards fulfilling experiences.
  • Connection in IFS: Our need for connection is universal. Parts of us that seek social bonds are vital for our well-being. In IFS, connecting with our parts and others creates harmony and cooperation in our minds and bodies. Oxytocin and the brain’s social bonding circuits enforce the importance of supportive relationships. Parts that crave connection seek out positive interactions, while protectors might guard against potential social rejection.

How This Affects Your Personality

Our brain’s reactions to emotions can significantly impact our outward personality. Here’s how:

  • Shame: When parts of us carry shame, we might appear withdrawn, defensive, or overly self-critical. We might avoid social situations or seek perfection to avoid triggering shame. Understanding this can help us approach ourselves with compassion, recognizing that these behaviors are our brain’s and our parts’ way of protecting us from deeper pain. Aspects of your personality may be driven by shame (e.g. burdens) and others may be driven by joy or connection (e.g. Self energy, your authentic self, or unburdened parts).
  • Joy: When our joyful parts are active, we come across as more open, enthusiastic, and engaged. These parts bring out the best in us, encouraging us to pursue what makes us happy. By nurturing these parts, we can enhance our overall well-being and positively influence those around us.
  • Connection: Our desire for connection shapes our interactions. When parts seeking connection are strong, we are more likely to be empathetic, trustworthy, and socially engaged. Conversely, if protector parts are guarding against potential rejection, we might appear distant, guarded, or prickly. Recognizing these dynamics can help us foster healthier relationships.

Hope

Knowing we are wired for joy and connection can help us in our darkest moments, to feel self compassion even when we are struggling with feelings such as shame, powerlessness, sadness, and loneliness. It can bring us light and hope.

I know this experience personally. In my own struggles through grief, depression, and anxiety, sometimes I have felt lost, numb, despairing, ashamed, disconnected, and lonely. I at times have felt like I am on the precipice of collapse and breakdown. When I remember that neurobiologically and from an IFS perspective, my parts, brain, and body are all working toward wholeness, I don’t feel so encompassed, overwhelmed, or flooded. In neurobiological terms, I have access to serotonin, dopamine, oxytocin, and my prefrontal cortex for clear minded, calm decision making while not being so flooded with cortisol and adrenaline and an activated amygdala. In IFS, we call this access to Self energy. In other words, I have access to hope.

Hope increases our ability to cope with challenges and stay motivated. From a neuroscience perspective, hope is closely tied to certain parts of the brain, such as the prefrontal cortex, which helps us plan and set goals, and the ventral striatum, which is involved in feelings of motivation and reward. When we feel hopeful, these areas of the brain become active and release a chemical called dopamine, which makes us feel good about working toward our goals and the possibilities ahead. 

In IFS, hope is seen as an essential energy that helps different parts of ourselves—especially those that may feel stuck or hopeless—see the potential for positive change. The idea of “hope merchanting” refers to the role of a therapist or guide in helping people reconnect with hope, especially when they are weighed down by past hurts or fear. This process allows individuals to start believing in their ability to heal and move forward, even when things feel uncertain. I do this for my clients and for my own parts from my Self energy.

Making the Connections

Understanding the neuroscience behind shame, joy, and connection and how it relates to our parts offers valuable insights into our behaviors and personalities. By recognizing the brain’s role in our emotional experiences, we can approach ourselves and others with greater compassion and understanding.

For example, when feeling shame, knowing that it involves intense brain activity and stress hormones can help us be kinder to ourselves. With this knowledge in our awareness, we can relax our self criticism and put more trust and compassion in our brains, bodies, and parts, even when shame might be flooding us. When experiencing joy, being aware of the brain’s reward system can encourage us to seek out, savor, and trust our positive moments. And when craving connection, being aware of the role of oxytocin can motivate us to build and maintain supportive relationships. It bears repeating: knowing we are wired for joy and connection can help us in our darkest moments, to feel self compassion and hope even when we are struggling with feelings such as shame, powerlessness, sadness, and loneliness.

In connecting brain science and IFS, a strengthened approach becomes available that can support healing, growth, joy, connection, and the cultivation of your authentic self. This understanding can help you navigate your internal world and enhance your interactions with the world around you, leading to a more fulfilling and connected life.

For feedback and comments, I can be reached at max@maxlittman.com.

I provide private practice mentorship, consultation, and therapist/practitioner part intensives.

About me.

Subscribe for content and offerings

References

    1. Berridge, K.C., & Kringelbach, M.L. (2015). “Pleasure Systems in the Brain.” Neuron, 86(3), 646-664.
    2. Courtois, C.A., & Ford, J.D. (2009). Treating Complex Traumatic Stress Disorders. New York: Guilford Press.
    3. Cozolino, L. (2006). The Neuroscience of Human Relationships: Attachment and the Developing Social Brain. New York: Norton & Company.
    4. Decety, J., & Jackson, P.L. (2004). “The Functional Architecture of Human Empathy.” Behavioral and Cognitive Neuroscience Reviews, 3(2), 71-100.
    5. D’Argembeau, A., et al. (2010). “Neural mechanisms of reasoning about self-knowledge.” Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, 5(2-3), 235–245.
    6. Feinstein, J.S., et al. (2011). “Fear and Shame in the Human Brain.” Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, 6(1), 10-18.
    7. Fredrickson, B.L. (2004). “The Broaden-and-Build Theory of Positive Emotions.” Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society B: Biological Sciences, 359(1449), 1367-1378.
    8. Insel, T.R. (2010). “The Challenge of Translating Oxytocin Biology to the Clinic.” Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 11(12), 860-867.
    9. Keltner, D., & Gross, J.J. (1999). “Functional Accounts of Emotions.” Cognition and Emotion, 13(5), 467-480.
    10. LeDoux, J.E. (2000). “Emotion Circuits in the Brain.” Annual Review of Neuroscience, 23(1), 155-184.
    11. Lewis, P. A., et al. (2019). “The role of reward processing in the maintenance of depression.” Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews, 103, 113-125.
    12. Panksepp, J. (2004). Affective Neuroscience: The Foundations of Human and Animal Emotions. New York: Oxford University Press.
    13. Schultheiss, O. C., et al. (2008). “The role of the prefrontal cortex in goal setting: Implications for emotion regulation.” Cognitive, Affective, & Behavioral Neuroscience, 8(4), 394-404.
    14. Schwartz, R. (1995). Internal Family Systems Therapy. New York: Guilford Press.
    15. Smith, R., et al. (2020). “The Neural Basis of Shame and Its Contributions to Psychopathology.” Psychological Science, 31(10), 1234-1245.
    16. Wise, R.A. (2004). “Dopamine, Learning and Motivation.” Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 5(6), 483-494.
    17. Schultheiss, O. C., et al. (2008). The role of the prefrontal cortex in goal setting: Implications for emotion regulation. Cognitive, Affective, & Behavioral Neuroscience, 8(4), 394-404.