Max Littman, LCSW
January 19, 2025
As IFS practitioners, we are deeply familiar with the concept of Self—our core, compassionate, wise, and curious essence. It is the energy within and around us that holds the potential to heal, connect, and lead with clarity and infinite compassion. Simultaneously, in some corners of the IFS community, the concept of Self has been weaponized. The phrase “the weaponization of Self” was coined and ushered to awareness by IFS therapist, trainer, consultant, speaker, and author Natalie Gutiérrez. Instead of being the grounding, restorative force it was meant to be understood as, Self has sometimes been used in ways that drive division, judgment, and an unrealistic standard of “perfect” Self leadership. This article explores the impact of when this happens and offers guidance on how we can work together to create a culture where Self and parts are valued equally, with care and respect for all members of our IFS and broader community.
The Weaponization of Self: A Problem for Both Individuals and the Community
The weaponization of Self within IFS occurs when the concept is used to criticize, judge, or separate oneself from others—especially other IFS practitioners or clients. I am certain that I have used the concept of Self in such ways with my own system and with others. In such cases, the idea of Self becomes distorted from its inherent quality as a healing, compassionate presence and instead turns into a standard to which individuals feel they must constantly strive. When Self is placed on a pedestal, it often leads to a hierarchy in which some practitioners feel “more Self-led” than others. This can create a limiting, restrictive, and shaming culture in which those who feel they fall short of embodying Self in the “right” way are made to feel inadequate, unworthy, or even disqualified from the healing process.
The harmful impact of weaponizing Self can be particularly discouraging for those new to IFS or seeking to learn it. It can create an atmosphere of competition and shame, rather than one of curiosity, growth, and collaboration. Rather than empowering individuals to explore and help their parts heal, it may lead them to hide parts of themselves, feeling they must present an image of being “Self-led” or being “in Self” at all times. This undermines the very principles of IFS, where we know that parts are not to be suppressed or denied but embraced and understood.
The Roots of Weaponization: Exiles and Protectors
To understand why some may resort to weaponizing Self, we can turn to the dynamic between burdened exiles and their protectors. In review, exiles are parts of us that carry emotional pain, often linked to feelings of shame, fear, unworthiness, or powerlessness. These parts may feel marginalized or abandoned, and when they are not properly cared for, they activate protectors—parts that attempt to shield us from painful emotions by engaging in proactive or reactive behaviors.
When the concept of Self becomes a source of judgment, it’s often because of the unconscious activation of these exiled parts. For example, a trainer, practitioner, student, practice assistant, or consultant may feel unworthy or disconnected from their sense of Self, leading to a reactive, defensive posture. A protective part of them may then begin to project this disconnection onto others, using the concept of Self as a way to elevate themselves over others and “prove” their worth. This could take the form of internal criticisms or external judgments aimed at those who are perceived as not embodying Self in a “pure” way. In this context, the very thing that is liberating—the idea that all parts have value and can experience integration through the compassionate presence of Self—becomes a weapon that sows distance and division in the name of personal protection.
The feeling of not belonging can be especially triggering for individuals whose exiles carry burdens related to acceptance, worthiness, or connection. For these individuals, the fear of not being accepted within the IFS community can fuel the need to cling to an idealized version of Self. This can further deepen the internal and external divide, preventing the harmonization between parts and people and impeding the healing process, individually and collectively.
The Myth of Being Fully in Self
In the IFS community, Self energy is often upheld as the gold standard of healing and connection—a beacon of calm, curiosity, compassion, and courage. While this ideal is inspiring, it’s important to recognize that being fully in Self energy is not only rare but also perhaps an unhelpful and unrealistic goal. Life is dynamic, messy, and layered, and so are we.
I believe that rarely anyone operates entirely from Self energy. Parts are always present—guiding us, protecting us, and sometimes challenging us. They’re a natural and essential aspect of being human. In the words of IFS lead trainer Pam Krause, “Self is our soul and parts are our humanity”. Trying to achieve a state of pure Self energy can inadvertently create pressure or reinforce burdens on parts that may feel inadequate or “wrong” for showing up. This pursuit can also lead to spiritual bypassing, where the messy, complex work of engaging with parts gets sidelined in favor of an idealized version of calm or compassion.
Instead of striving for an elusive state of complete Self energy, it can be more helpful to cultivate awareness of the balance between Self and parts. For example: How much Self energy is present in this moment? How much parts energy is present? Bringing mindful curiosity to this interplay allows us to notice what’s happening internally without judgment or an agenda to fix. This awareness is itself an act of Self leadership—inviting parts into a relationship rather than striving to exile them.
In practice, this means normalizing the presence of parts while reserving space for Self energy to emerge and guide. For example, in a moment of conflict, a part might activate frustration or defensiveness, while Self energy might offer curiosity about the other person’s perspective. Both energies are present, and both have something to contribute. The goal isn’t to erase the part’s response but to let Self energy take the lead in how we respond and engage.
This approach can help demystify Self energy and make it more broadly accessible. It’s not a distant peak we ascend but a resource that flows in and out of our awareness. Recognizing this ebb and flow can be profoundly liberating for clients and practitioners alike. It shifts the focus from striving for perfection to embracing our full humanity with all its parts.
The Many Dimensions of Self Energy
Self energy is both universal and deeply personal. At its core, it carries qualities like compassion, curiosity, and calmness, yet the way these qualities are experienced and expressed varies widely. One person’s Self energy might manifest as a quiet inner confidence, while another’s might radiate as warmth and generosity in relationships. This diversity is one of Self energy’s most beautiful aspects—it adapts to the uniqueness of each individual.
For some, connecting to Self feels like a deep, steady stillness, a reservoir of peace that centers them even in chaos. For others, it might come alive as creativity or a playful spark, energizing them to approach challenges with innovation and optimism. It can be subtle, like an intuitive nudge guiding decisions, or bold, like a surge of courage that inspires action in the face of fear.
Cultural, relational, and personal contexts also shape how Self energy is expressed. For example, someone raised in a collectivist culture may feel their Self energy most strongly when contributing to the well-being of their community, while someone from a more individualistic background might experience it as personal empowerment and authenticity. Similarly, parts carrying burdens of shame or fear may initially influence how easily someone accesses and embodies Self energy, making their journey to it uniquely theirs.
This variability reminds us that Self energy is not a one-size-fits-all state but an endlessly adaptable force. It honors the individuality of each person while holding the universal capacity for connection, healing, and growth. Recognizing these differences helps therapists and individuals alike appreciate the many ways Self energy can show up in the world—and within ourselves.
Navigating Activation Without Weaponizing Self
If you find yourself activated by another person’s behavior, whether in the IFS community or elsewhere, it can be extremely helpful, and ultimately healing, to pause and assess what is happening internally before making judgments. Dick talks a lot about this in his book You Are the One You Have Been Waiting For—he calls it the Uturn— and is covered by Toni Herbine-Blank in her IFIO model (e.g. IFS for more than one person). The tendency to weaponize Self against others often arises when our own parts are activated. When we feel triggered by someone else’s actions or words, it is often a reflection of our own exiled parts feeling unsafe, unseen, or misunderstood.
Here are a few steps we can take when feeling activated:
- Acknowledge the activation: Recognize that your internal reaction is not an inherent truth about the other person, but rather a reflection of your own internal parts. This awareness is the first step in reclaiming Self-energy and stepping out of a reactive mode.
- Assess your parts: Take time to connect with the parts that are being triggered. Are they parts that feel unworthy, rejected, or inadequate? Are they protectors who are trying to prevent vulnerability? By acknowledging these parts, you can help them feel heard without allowing them to control your response.
- Stay grounded in compassion: Remember that all parts, including the ones that are activated in you, need love and compassion. When reacting to someone else, it’s crucial to first attune to your own internal experience. From there, you can approach others with empathy and curiosity, rather than judgment.
- Challenge the need to “fix” others: In the IFS community, there is a temptation to constantly assess whether others are in Self-energy or not. This can lead to a sense of superiority and an unrealistic expectation of perfection. Instead, you can focus on the shared humanity of all members and the belief that everyone is on their own journey. The goal is not to “fix” others but to walk alongside them with understanding.
Changing the Culture: Embracing the Full Spectrum of Self and Parts
To address the harmful impact of weaponizing Self and create a healthier, more inclusive IFS community, we can work together to shift the culture. Here are some recommendations for creating an environment where both Self and parts are valued equally:
- Normalize the presence of parts: Rather than idealizing Self as the “perfect” state, encourage conversations that acknowledge the complexities of being human. Parts are not obstacles to Self, but rather integral aspects of who we are. Valuing parts, including exiles and protectors, burdened and unburdened parts, allows us to bring more humility, compassion, and openness to our work with others. In her trainings on Self-like parts, lead IFS trainer Pam Krause emphasizes Self is not better than parts, that Self and parts need each other, and that parts are our humanity while Self is our souls.
- Encourage vulnerability and authenticity: Creating a culture of vulnerability where members feel safe to share their struggles and imperfections can reduce the pressure to present a perfect image of Self. When we allow our parts to be visible, we invite others to do the same, fostering deeper connections.
- Promote curiosity over judgment: Encourage members of the IFS community to approach each other with curiosity rather than judgment. Instead of evaluating whether someone is Self-led enough, focus on how to support that person in their healing journey, recognizing that everyone moves at their own pace and has their own unique set of needs.
- Offer self-reflection and supervision: Creating spaces for ongoing self-reflection, supervision, and peer support can help practitioners navigate their own internal reactions and better understand when they may be unconsciously weaponizing Self. These opportunities allow for shared growth and accountability without judgment.
The Danger of Unrealistic Standards for Clients: Exacerbating Exile’s Burdens
When the concept of Self is elevated above parts and idealized as a state to constantly attain, this can have a profound impact not only on practitioners but also on clients. Clients who enter therapy with an already vulnerable sense of self-worth or struggle with feelings of inadequacy are particularly susceptible to these unrealistic standards. When the narrative becomes that Self is the “best” or “most correct”—something they must strive for—it often leads to the activation of a variety of parts, typically managers, that can be counterproductive to healing.
One of the most damaging effects of promoting an idealized Self is that it can inadvertently encourage the over-activation of clients’ thinking parts, inner critics, perfectionistic parts, and people-pleasing parts. These parts are tasked with maintaining control, avoiding shame, and keeping us from feeling too vulnerable. When a client gets the idea that they must always be in a state of Self, these parts can feel even more compelled to push for an unattainable standard. The inner critic may become louder, the perfectionistic parts more rigid, and people-pleasing tendencies may become more pronounced as the client strives to fit a mold that is not only unrealistic but also counterproductive to their healing process. I know this internal dynamic has happened for me and a lot of time was spent in my own therapy addressing it. And I know I have perpetuated this idea with clients which I am confident did not help with their healing.
This dynamic is particularly harmful because it often works against the very goals of IFS: fostering self-acceptance, self-compassion, connection, and a return to wholeness. The more clients believe that their parts are “less than” Self, the more they are encouraged to separate from, judge, and suppress their parts. This, in turn, exacerbates the burden of their exiles—parts that carry feelings of inadequacy, shame, or fear of rejection. These exiles can feel even more invalidated, creating a vicious cycle in which they are pushed further into hiding or ignored altogether.
For example, a client with a history of trauma or neglect may have exiles that hold deep feelings of unworthiness or fear of being abandoned. If they get the impression that they need to be “more Self-led” in order to heal, these exiles may feel even more abandoned or rejected. The thinking parts, in turn, may begin to strategize how to get the client to embody this “perfect” Self, engaging in overthinking or self-judgment, and the inner critic can amplify its voice, telling the client they’re “doing it wrong.” The people-pleasing parts might try to present an image of being Self-led at all times, further disconnecting the client from their true experience and from a connection with their therapist and others in their lives. These reactions not only keep the client from accessing healing energy but also deepen the sense of isolation and inadequacy in their internal system.
A More Compassionate Approach
To avoid exacerbating these burdens, it’s essential that we, as practitioners, challenge the idea that Self is somehow superior to parts. Instead, we can embrace a more integrated understanding of the Self and parts relationship—one that views parts as essential to the system’s functioning, not as obstacles to Self.
When working with clients, it is vital to:
- Acknowledge and Validate Parts: Encourage clients to view all parts—including exiles, and protectors—as valuable and necessary aspects of themselves. By validating these parts, clients can feel seen and heard, which reduces the pressure to achieve some perfect version of Self and fosters a greater sense of self-worth.
- Demystify Self: Help clients understand that being in Self is not about achieving a constant state of perfection, but about engaging with parts from a place of curiosity, compassion, and connection. Normalize that Self can coexist with parts, and there is no need to discard or suppress aspects of themselves in order to access healing.
- Support Non-Judgmental Exploration: Instead of encouraging clients to judge themselves or their parts based on how “Self-led” they appear, we can emphasize curiosity and non-judgment. This allows clients to explore their parts without fear of rejection or criticism, which in turn supports the healing process for exiles carrying burdens of inadequacy or shame.
- Promote Compassionate Integration: Instead of seeing parts as obstacles to Self, guide clients toward a more integrated model where all parts are embraced and work in harmony with Self. This process reduces the tendency to rely on perfectionistic or people-pleasing strategies and instead fosters a healthy internal dialogue, where parts support each other in a cooperative way.
- Explore How Clients Experience Their Authentic Self: Dick first discovered the concept of Self as clients began to share with him “that doesn’t feel like a part, that’s just me”. Self energy has many different dimensions and is experienced and expressed differently from person to person. Taking time to explore how and when a client experiences being more fully and authentically themselves can be helpful in demystifying Self as a standard and uniform ideal. What I believe is most important is helping clients access what feels true internally to them.
By re-framing the relationship between Self and parts in this way, we not only protect clients from unrealistic standards but also empower them to begin the process of unburdening their exiles, integrating their protectors, and embracing all aspects of themselves. In doing so, we cultivate a therapeutic environment that values the full spectrum of a client’s experience—one that acknowledges the healing power of Self in all its diversity without diminishing the essential role of their parts in the process.
Conclusion
The weaponization of the concept of Self in the IFS community has the potential to do significant harm. It creates division, shame, and discourages authentic learning and living. By recognizing that these behaviors are often rooted in the activation of exiled parts and protective reactions, we can begin to approach these situations with more understanding and compassion. Creating a culture where all parts are honored will foster a more inclusive, supportive, and healing environment for all members of the IFS community.
I invite our collective awareness to how we hold and use the concept of Self, so that it facilitates connection, growth, love, clarity, healing, and a return to wholeness individually and collectively.
For feedback and comments, I can be reached at max@maxlittman.com.
I provide private practice mentorship, consultation, and therapist/practitioner part intensives.
